Congratulations on recently joining The New York Times Magazine as an editor. This comes shortly after a spectacular run at The Hairpin and a hilarious piece in the print edition of The New Yorker. I imagine a lot of people want your attention now. Have you gotten good at distinguishing real friends from fake friends? 

My only true friend's name starts with S and ends with "e-a-m-l-e-s-s" AMIRITE LADIES HEYO!!!!!!!!!! 

I have a lot of friends -- this shouldn't feel like a humblebrag, but somehow does -- but I also often think "why could you possibly want to be my friend?" whenever it seems someone is trying to be my friend. It's not because I'm not a hilarious attractive genius, which I am, but I probably don't shower as often as I should???? And sometimes I brag about it????????? Either way, the idea that someone would want to be my friend is confusing but welcome. The idea that someone wants to be my friend because I work at the New York Times makes me go "LOL" then "oh shit I work at the New York Times I should probably shower." 

You made a big name for yourself at The Hairpin in a short amount of time. I was amazed to learn you'd only just become a Contributing Editor there in September 2014 because you instantly became synonymous with the publication and their success. What advice do you have for other writers trying to make an impression at their jobs right out of the gate?

Haley D. R. A. K. E. Mlotek Presents the Hairpin dot com was a fucking jewel of a job. I started and she told me I could do anything I wanted so I did which is why we are the 6th most popular placenta wholesaler in the Western Hemisphere. To the youth, I say: go nuts. Have fun. Don't second guess yrself. Experiment with bodily fluids. 

What can people expect from your reading?

A TBD hairstyle (GUYS I have short curly hair but often I pay a woman a lot of money to braid fake hair onto my scalp so I can whip it into a man's face in case he tries to attack me!!!!!!! And then sometimes I take that fake hair out!!!!! And then I have short hair again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which you should not touch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is really quite simple.)